i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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