WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
