I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
