....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
