How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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