bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
