im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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