I love black thongs
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize