My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
