So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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