70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
