literally had 100 drinks last night.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
