I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
