Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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