One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
