saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
