omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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