I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
