Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
