so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
