Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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