I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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