Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
