I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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