You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
