the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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