I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
zippers are such a cool invention
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
