I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
