so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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