why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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