did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
