I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
