o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
