I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
