I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
