my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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