Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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