I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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