Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
