just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
