one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
