I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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