I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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