I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
im holly from the hills drunk
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
