Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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