remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
we're so committed to being not committed
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
