Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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