having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
