It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
