No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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